Monday, December 17, 2012

Processing It

In my adulthood, I have gotten really good at putting in filters to help protect me from emotional overload. Over the last few months, those filters have been put to the test as I have had to learn how to display absolutely no emotion when dealing with a raging child. The filters are good quality filters. They are very strong. And unfortunately, they have begun to get stuck at times when they shouldn't be there. As I sat and talked with Matt today, I realized this for the first time. The events at Sandy Hook Elementary should have awakened every emotion in me, but they did not. And I didn't really notice. Sure, I thought it was a horrible tragedy. I shed some tears. Those families have not been far from my thoughts, and I have prayed for them several times throughout each day since. But it didn't grip the depths of my heart.

Watching my husband cry again today while reading a poem about the little ones who were killed on Friday, I realized that I should be crying, too. After all, I have two 1st graders. My Pepper and my Piper are both 6 years old. I broached it with Matt. He lovingly made me talk about the situation. He pushed the envelope. He ripped out the filter that should not have been there. And out it all came. I found myself sitting on a park bench outside of the grocery store sobbing and gagging, so overcome with stored up emotions that I couldn't even catch my breath.

Can anyone else relate?

After the flood had subsided, we talked some more. It is unbelievable the relief that comes from being honest with one's emotions, and from allowing release to happen. It is 1:45 p.m. I am sitting in MY chair in the living room. I am utterly exhausted. All the crying stopped up my already congested ears, so I feel like I'm living underwater. But I'm at peace. I don't have to avoid the photo collages and gut-wrenching posts on Facebook. I can listen to the radio again. I can have honest conversations with my older kids about what happened on Friday. All because I finally dealt with my own heart.

211. A loving husband who knows me as well as I know myself...and sometimes knows me even better
212. The healing power of tears
213. The comforting presence of God's Holy Spirit
214. Knowing that my kids' teachers would die protecting their students. I know this because I would have died to protect my students when I was a teacher. These teachers are no different.
215. The knowledge that God loves my kids more than I do
216. That God's plans are higher than my plans, even when--like in this situation--I don't understand
217. Pepper's words to Matt when the two of them discussed Friday: "I'm not afraid to go to school. If someone came in and shot me, I know where I would go. I would be with Jesus, and I'm not afraid of dying."
218. A very precious bonding moment with Sunny this morning as she snuggled in my lap while I had my coffee and read my Bible. We found "her" verse, the one we have decided to claim for her.
219. Sunny's real middle name is Brielle, which means "God is my strength." We chose that name for her knowing that she has a very strong personality. We wanted to channel it and use it for good, and what better way to help channel it than to claim truth in the meaning of her new name! As an adopted child of God, this biblical promise is for her. It could not suit her better.  Isaiah 41:9b-10  You are My servant, I have chosen you and have not cast you away: Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
220: A cup of hot tea

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