Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Kid Funnies

Because who doesn't love the funny things that kids say?

Sweetie obviously can't say anything yet. But I already know she is a cute little girl, full of spice and energy. She's going to have to be a character to keep up with five, much older siblings! She's a tiny dancer, spinning and kicking away inside of me. At 23 weeks, she's finally big enough to make my belly move. Yesterday, my kitty, Pixie, was all stretched out on my belly. Pixie is our playful cat. She loves to pounce on anything that is moving along the ground. When I sit in bed and move my feet under the blankets, she goes crazy. She is such a fun cat! Yesterday, Sweetie started kicking like crazy, making my belly twitch and jump. Pixie's eyes got all dilated, and she reached out and swatted my belly. I got a good laugh out of that!

The other day I was driving in the car with Bubbles (9). When we stopped at the fourth red light in a row, she cried out in exasperation, "What is wrong with the people who are controlling the stop lights? They must all recognize our car and totally hate us. How mean can you get?" She genuinely thought there was a person sitting somewhere, controlling each light. LOL!!!!!

Sunny (5) is a piece of work. She is completely bent on opposing me. She will often do the direct opposite of what I want her to do, even if it means doing something she hates, just to get a reaction from me. It is very challenging to parent this child, and she keeps me on my toes and wears me out every day. Unfortunately for her, all the monkey business results in unpleasant consequences. She frequently finds herself sitting on her bed, doing extra chores, losing privileges, or going to bed early. She is still learning that the consequences are entirely the result of her own choices. The other night she had the bad fortune of earning early bedtime, and loss of getting to enjoy a favorite meal with us (due to early bedtime), and having to clean the bathroom sink during playtime (that's what you get when you decorate with toothpaste!). She was so mad that she blurted out, "Mommy, you punish me so much that you're making my hands fall off! Can't you see what a poor kid I am?" HA!

That same child, in a fit of rage, had the balls to call me "Poo-faced meanie." For the first several hours following the incident, I was equal parts p'd off and amused. Now I'm just amused. Oh, the expression on her face when she said it! And the instant scrambling to try to retrieve her words. And the frantic, lame attempt to explain that she meant to call me "pretty-faced mommy," but those words just accidentally came out. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Feel free to just call me PFM from now on. You can pick what the letters stand for.

Piper (almost 8) had an interesting conversation with Pepper (7 1/2) and Sunny (5) the other day. She insisted that Sunny would soon be older than Piper and Pepper. She figured that in just three years, Sunny would be 8, which is older than Piper and Pepper. She also figured that in eight years, Sunny would pass Snapper (11), and be the oldest kid in our family! Pepper rolled his eyes, smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand, and reminded Piper that Sunny will not be getting older all by herself. The rest of the kids will be getting older, too. It took Piper a few minutes to figure this out. I had to leave the room to keep from laughing.

Last weekend, all five kids played a rousing game of "Wilderness Survival" in our front yard. In order to survive, they had to hunt, kill, and eat water buffalo, llama deer (whatever the heck those are), and they had to find and harvest "the apples of serenity." I was thoroughly entertained, watching them slink around the yard, stalking and shooting imaginary beasts. They conversed in a variety of accents. Snapper has mastered the Bristish accent. Piper easily slips back into her Southern drawl. Sunny talks baby talk and thinks she sounds like Snapper. The best part of the game, though, was watching them dive onto the ground screaming, "VELOCIRAPTOR!" every time a car drove by. We live on a fairly busy street, so this happened often.

Piper, looking at a snowman ornament on our Christmas tree, made up and sang this little song, not knowing that I was listening: Five little snowmans hanging on the tree. Snowmans are dumb cuz they don't got knees. And snowmans are weird cuz they can't go pee. Why is that snowman staring at me? And now I'm all creeped out. And all that rhymed except the last line.

A present arrived in the mail for baby Sweetie. Bubbles (9) looked at the present and asked, "Will Sweetie have to wait until after she's born before she knows what her present is?"
I'm still trying to figure out the reasoning behind that question.

The same child asked me if people could ride on any animal, like cats, back in the days when Baby Jesus was born. Because apparently she thinks that cats were the same size as donkeys back then...

Oh yes, and this same child announced at Awana last Wednesday that the wisemen brought gifts of "gold, Frankie's pants, and molasses" to Baby Jesus. Wow...

Perhaps my favorite of all, though, was Pepper's latest Bible verse. When he was in kindergarten he memorized Proverbs 20:11--"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." A few weeks ago, another child recited that verse and Pepper was very excited that he remembered it, too. He wanted to recite it to me, so he did. Like this:
"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his condom is pure and right!"
Me: "Don't you mean conduct, Buddy?"
Pepper: "Of course! That's what I said!"
Oh, the innocence of childhood!!!

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