Whenever there is a lot of stress in my life, my body responds by throwing off my cycle. Yesterday morning I finally started, 2 weeks late. Last night I started having bad pain down in my guts, and I assumed it was from eating pizza and a cupcake at Snapper's party yesterday. I am gluten intolerant, so abdominal pain is normal when I eat gluten.
But then I realized I was having a miscarriage. I lost a tiny baby last night, about 6 weeks into my pregnancy.
On one hand I am deeply sad. I am fascinated by the combination of Matt's and my genes, and the beautiful kids we have produced. I would have loved to have seen another one, to have had the privilege of raising another flesh-of-my-flesh little one. On the other hand, I see this loss as a tender gift from a God who loves me more deeply than I have ever loved my kids. He has a plan for me, and having this baby would have stopped His plan from moving forward.
Three months ago, Matt and I began moving forward to start an adoption. We are beginning our foster/adopt training with the county on Tuesday night. I have read extensively about adoption, foster care, and the issues we will face, and to be honest, I am scared out of my mind. There has been a part of me that has been doubting whether or not we can do this, whether I am willing to disrupt my easy, happy life to welcome a wounded child into our family. I asked God several times this week to close the door on adoption because I am scared and because I am selfish.
God is not closing the door. He is speaking reassurance to my heart. On Tuesday, as a direct answer to prayer, He provided a special babysitter for us on nights when we have our training. We needed someone who could either drive, or lived close enough for us to take home late at night. We needed someone who could stay up late on school nights, because we won't get home from our class until 10:00. We needed someone who could give us a low rate, because our finances are so tight right now. The young lady God provided is on Snapper's swim team. She swims at the same time Snapper swims, but with a more advanced group. Her sweet mom will play with Pepper in the pool while the girls swim, then will drop them off at our house. She is homeschooled, so staying up late isn't a problem for her. She lives 2 minutes from our house. Because she is 13, her rate is $5/hour, which is half the going rate for the other babysitters I considered! Confirmation #1.
To some, a lost baby may seem a harsh way for God to speak. It does not seem that way to me. Here is how I see it. We have lost 4 other babies in the past. The last one was in August of 2007. Since then, Matt had an illness that the doctor told us would leave us infertile. That was confirmed by no pregnancies in the last four years. This precious baby reminded me that God is the one who opens and closes the womb. He is able to open my womb if He wants, even though we are "infertile." But His plan for us is not to have any more babies. He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I know our baby is happy and whole with Jesus.
On Tuesday, Matt and I will be moving forward with our adoption plans. I am sad about our baby. But I am no longer afraid. I know with confidence that this is God's plan, and He will give us what we need as we adopt.