Friday, September 19, 2008

Not Your Typical Morning

All hell hath broken loose at our house.

Pepper hath refused his cereal, throwing it on the floor. Captain Crunch it was, producing large, sticky mess.

Pepper hath given Mommy not enough time to get him to the potty. Aforesaid small boy deposits poop on Mommy's foot en route to the potty.

Both children are sent upstairs for which purpose to dress for the day. Adds Mommy: "Snapper must clean up her messy room by the time Mommy finishes cleaning the kitchen and living room."

Mommy hath tackled the boogieman of dishes, and checks on the bedroom cleaning. Nothing hath been done. Mommy issues a stern warning: "Finish the room by the time I finish the living room, or you shall be punished."

Mommy hath conquered the clutter and dust bunnies that had taken up squatter's rights in aforesaid room. Huzzah for Mommy!

Mommy hath marched up the stairs in hopes of discovering toys in their places and laundry in the basket. Alas, twas a vain hope. Small girl is discovered, bedecked in princess dress, high heels, new pink birthday purse, and waving her wand at her image reflected in the mirror.

Mommy hath called the gallant Father on the cellular phone. "Oh my brave knight, what shall we do?" Gallant Father hath spoken with small girl, an event which hath caused a fallen face and misty eyes on small girl.

Go forth, fearless parents, and produce a consequence for small girl's deliberate disobedience, in hopes of moulding her into a child of honor and responsibility.

Mommy hath brought forth a box, which shall be filled by small girl with all toys off the floor. This act shall take no longer than 5 minutes, or Mommy shall become the eternal lord of all toys that remaineth on the floor. All toys in aforesaid box shall be bought back by small girl, at agreed upon price of $2.

The cell phone timer hath been set (for 5 minutes plus 1 minute of grace). Mommy proceedeth down the stairs. Small girl, upon putting pink birthday purse in the box, hath fully realized the gravity of her consequence. And the mother of all tantrums breaks forth in the bedroom at the top of the stairs.

Mommy hath settled gravely on the couch with trusty Bible in hand, trying to find the appropriate verse with which to train the small hellion, who lieth kicking and screaming on her bedroom floor.

The timer hath sounded. Silence from upstairs. Mommy hath begun the long march up the stairs. Upon entrance to the room, Mommy discovers small girl lying on the floor under the bed. Several items are in the box. But several items are still on the floor. Sadly, Mommy taketh custody of remaining toys:
Princess dress
Second princess dress
Small Cinderella doll
Plastic teacup
Small, stuffed dog
Gold rimmed sunglasses
Orange bandana doll blanket

Small girl hath realized even more fully the consqeuences of her failure to obey. Resume tantrum. Mommy hath left the room, instructing small girl to put dirty clothes in the laundry, and stay in her room until the flow of tear, screams, and snot hath dissipated.

Mommy hath closed bedroom door, and slouches down the stairs to rest her weary soul. Upon entrance into the living room, Mommy doth discover small boy standing on the ottoman, in the process of delivering a steady flow of pee to the apparently thirsty large, comfy chair.

And Mommy doth look at clean hearth in front of fireplace to discover fluffy white-and-gray cat depositing a large puddle of pee.

Peeing boy. Peeing cat. Screaming, kicking, spitting, stomping girl.

And Mommy's tears doth flow.

Small boy rushes to bawling Mommy with a priceless treasure to cheer her up: one small handful of mashed up fly and spider.

Hurry home, Gallant Father! Save the hen-pecked, wilting Mommy! And sweet Jesus, PLEASE give Mommy the endurance necessary to last until 1:00, at which time aforesaid children shall be tucked securely into their wee beds and peace shall again rule this house.

4 comments:

Stef said...

Stefanie hath been so thankful to find this post and see that's its not only her abode with such drama. And... she loveth the new layout of thy site. :)

Jenn said...

Oh my goodness!!! What a morning!!!

Ivanna said...

That post made me laugh, glad you can give it a humorous twist. Even though it sounds like one of the worst mornings ever.

rachelruelas said...

oh goodness em! I cannot wait to be a mom!!!!!!!!! Your toy idea, Whit buying back the toys, FANTASTCI! I'm TOTALLY writing that down and using that when Michael and I are parents!

Your new page looks awesome!