Looking for The Positives

When everything seems to blow up, sometimes the only way to keep your chin up is to look for the positives in a situation. Look for God's goodness in the middle of HARD STUFF.

Without giving too many details, I will let you know that my little Sunny suffers from a behavior disorder--the result of a very bad start to her life. Abuse, neglect, and exposure to certain substances do horrible damage to a little child. Every day is a struggle for her. Every good choice is a victory. Every inch of forward progress is celebrated. Sadly, we had a major setback this week.

The behavior disorder is considered to be decently managed if the behaviors are only at home.
It is considered not managed if the behaviors spill over to other environments, such as school.
It is considered in crisis if another child is directly affected by the behavior.

On Wednesday Sunny made a series of poor choices that resulted in physical harm to another child at school. This puts us in crisis mode. I had a conference with her teacher and our pediatrician. There are some grave concerns that we need to address, and it has become clear to everyone that we can no longer proceed without professional help. The doctor sent an emergency referral to a pediatric psychiatrist. We'll be having a mental health evaluation on our sweet girl as soon as the psychiatrist can fit her in. This is HARD, people.

Here's where I look for the positives, and thank God in the midst of hard stuff.

• Sunny's intent was not malicious.
• She didn't understand the magnitude of what she did.
• She did not respond in anger to the discipline.
• She has not repeated the behavior.
• The child she hurt was not seriously hurt.
• People are finally seeing what I deal with on a daily basis.
• People are finally believing me.
• We have an incredibly compassionate, proactive pediatrician.
• Sunny has an amazing teacher who is 100% on my team, communicates well with me, and sees past the behaviors to the heart of Sunny.
• Our insurance will cover 100% of Sunny's evaluation and treatment.
• I'll be getting the assistance of a qualified professional who can help us meet our girl's needs.
• The school is taking this seriously.
• I requested a behavior IEP for Sunny.
• It typically takes some weeks to pull together an IEP meeting. They got one scheduled for this Tuesday morning!
• Sunny is going to be safer, and her needs will be better met as a result of all this.

So many positives in the midst of a very bad situation. Keeping my eyes fixed in the right place.

Mommy Does Not Lie!

The kids were home from school today because of the holiday. Pepper was at a sleepover with a friend, so only girls were at home. They had a marvelous morning outside climbing trees, building forts with dried banana leaves, and getting along perfectly. I packed them a picnic basket for lunch, and they ate their lunch in their tree forts. Perfection!

About an hour into their morning, I looked outside and saw Snapper up the cedar tree in the backyard. She was about 15 feet up, and the branches were probably only 3 inches in diameter. I quickly went out and reminded her of our tree climbing rule: Do not climb if the branches are smaller around than your arm. They will not support your weight. Even the branches at the bottom of that tree are too small, and it was a disaster waiting to happen.

I brought all the kids inside and reviewed tree safety rules with them.
1. Do not put any weight on a branch that is smaller around than your arm.
2. Wear long pants and shoes.
3. Do not climb with anything in your hands or mouth.
4. Do not climb higher than you are okay with falling.

The kids went back out. Bubbles took the oak tree. Piper took the grapefruit tree. Sunny took the tangerine tree. Snapper took the avocado tree. The two citrus trees are the safest because they have fairly densely packed branches. If a kid were to fall, the branches would scratch her up a bit, but would definitely keep the fall from doing any real damage. The oak and the avocado are a totally different story. They are tall, and the good climbing branches are about 4 feet off the ground. There's definitely some risk involved in tree climbing, but I believe that kids should be allowed to be kids, and that they need these adventurous kid experiences without being restricted and regulated. I fell out of a few trees as a kid, and I grew to be a wise, savvy tree climber as a result. My mom reminded us of safety rules, and my sister and I honored the rules.

Snapper learned the hard way today that my safety rules were not just made up for the fun of it. That rule about the size of the branch...it's legit. Mommy does not lie. I always mean what I say. She was about 10 feet up when she grabbed a slender branch to hoist herself up. She wasn't trying to step on it or hang on it, she was just using it as a grip. Whatever the case, it was skinny. Skinnier than Snapper's arm. She put way too much weight on it, it snapped, and down she went. She ricocheted off a branch, caught another branch in her armpit, and fell 6 feet onto the grass, landing flat on her side. Fortunately for her, she fell away from the fence. Fortunately for her, she was wearing long pants, long sleeves, and tennis shoes. Fortunately for her, she just missed falling into the crotch of the tree. Fortunately for her, she narrowly missed landing on the three small stumps at the base of the tree. Snapper's left armpit is like raw hamburger, and it hurts like the dickens. She has a massive bruise on her sternum and the base of her ribs. She has significant bruising on her right tricep, both her knees, her thighs, and her shins. There are scuffed places all over the front of her, from sternum to ankles. Her head and back and feet were spared. She is one sore kiddo, though.

I'm so thankful it wasn't worse. It could have been a whole lot worse!

Facing Defiance and Mothering in the Trenches

We have a defiant child in our house. Every child goes through phases of defiance, I know. It's actually a healthy, normal piece of development. This child's defiance, however, extends well beyond what is normal and healthy. It's a level of defiance that if left unchecked, has the power to completely control the atmosphere in our home, and can leave everyone unsettled and insecure. Let me tell you, it is challenging my mothering skills as nothing else has ever challenged me before.

There are a few things I have to remember. This child's brain was shaped by her bio mom's dangerous choices. She spent nine months developing in a brain bath of cortisol (stress hormone), nicotine, and a consistent wash of illegal substances. Then she spent three years in an environment of filth and absolute chaos, with no discipline, loads of abuse, and limited loving touch. What I have here is a child in whom every fiber resists me because every fiber believes it is in danger. For this little one, losing control (and obeying Mommy means giving up control), feels like a matter of life and death. And she will fight it to the death.

Fortunately, in the last 18 months, she has come to trust me enough to willingly give and receive affection. She loves hugs and kisses, tickling, wrestling, and snuggling. She no longer struggles to make and hold eye contact with me. She gets worried when I leave, and is always overjoyed to see me when I return. She no longer resists my help on the daily tasks of life such as grooming, feeding, and bedtime rituals. In fact, she welcomes me. We're progressing nicely down the road to attachment.

But the behaviors...
Oh my.

I recently read a great, great book called "The Defiant Child." It is written for the parents of children with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), which is what we're dealing with. But even if your child doesn't have ODD--just struggles with a strong will or rebellious spirit--this book is for you. It helps you understand the way this child thinks, which is, honestly, flawed and delusional. It gives practical techniques for parenting in ways that counter the flawed thinking. So. Good. I am working hard to employ these things with my little caged tiger.

This is hard. It's hard to feel love and affection for someone who is often so out of control that by 5:00, the only option left is to feed her an early dinner and put her to bed for the night. It's hard to want to hug and kiss on a child who seems to take great pleasure in destroying the things others have that she wants. It's hard to be patient with a child who responds to just about every request or direction with "NO! I don't want to." Or, "NO! And you can't make me." Or jumping up and down and screaming. Or throwing things. Or spitting. It's hard. And that's where my parenting is most challenged.

I do a great job of being consistent. I am always swift and logical as I give consequences for poor choices. I can almost always appear calm and unruffled, and I very rarely lose my temper. I never back down. (For the record, there is no room for grace with the ODD child. They can not understand the concept of grace, but are only able to see it as weakness and a crack in the defenses). What I am not good at is balancing consistency and firmness with affection. I know I love her because I have chosen to love her. If I didn't love her, I would have given up a long time again. If I didn't love her, I wouldn't care so deeply about the road she's walking. I know that love has to be tough sometimes, and love can set you up for great heartache. The affectionate side of love is the struggle for me. Right now I'm so tired from all this child's shenanigans that I have to force myself to hug her. Literally force myself. Doesn't that sound just awful? Oooh, I cringe to see the words in print!

That's where I'm being stretched. Motherhood isn't all about bedtime stories, family traditions, and helping with homework. It isn't about little handprints and bouquets of wildflowers and sweet faces. It's about getting dirty in the trenches, and sacrificing your own wants and selfishness in order to prepare your children for life. It's about love when times are tough. And that's where I often stumble. See, God has loved me without fail, despite my failings. I have been a defiant child, too, and yet He never gave up on me. I break the rules. I let Him down. I am mean and spiteful. I am disobedient. And yet God does not withhold His affection from me. This morning, as you finish reading this post, would you say a prayer for me? Pray that I'll see my daughter as God sees her: a precious, wounded child who needs not only safe boundaries, but her mother's unconditional affection as well. Pray that despite the difficulties I face as I wade through the mountains of bad behavior, I'll choose the higher road and be affectionate with her. And please pray that God would overcome my selfishness and fill my heart with the desire to be an affectionate mom.

Thanks for letting me bare my soul, here. It's always so risky to be transparent. I hope my open honesty here will encourage someone else today.